Achievable New Year’s resolutions

As is my custom, once again I fearlessly publish my annual list of achievable New Year’s resolutions. I resolve…

…to keep my weight, whatever the cost to me, above 100 lbs.

…to refuse all offers to appear on “The View.”

…not to vacation in Burundi.

…to purchase no car that costs more than $200,000.

…not to take up Tai Chi, Feng Shui, or Kung Fu.

…not to shave my head.

…not to eat sushi.

…not to run for elective office.

…not to summon the Powers of Darkness to rain down death upon my foes.

…not to have any body part pierced.

…not to try designer drugs (only off-the-rack drugs for me).

…not to buy an iguana.

…not to paint my house purple.

…not to carve a monumental sculpture of Oscar Homolka out of Colby Jack Cheese.

…when drawn, never to look haggard. (One or the other. Not both.)

…not to bear, ‘mid snow and ice, a banner with the strange device, “Excelsior.”

…to go easy on beating the servants.

9 thoughts on “Achievable New Year’s resolutions”

  1. Comment number seven is just a wee bit too funny.

    I resolve to read a large number of books and hold more babies.

    I’ll also worry much about who might die this year. I hate that I do that, but I do.

  2. I pledge not to cry if I don’t get a new Lars Walker book to read before the end of calendar year 2007.

    That one may be hard to keep. I keep looking with sadness upon my copies of Year of the Warrior, Blood and Judgment, and Wolf Time. I will surely reread one or all of them while I wait for the desired prize.

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