Category Archives: Goofing

Does the Poe Figure Come with a Knife?

Stefanie of So Many Books has photos of her latest purchases, including a Jane Austen action figure. This is crazy. Action figures? I wonder how many there are or if an author can commission his own figure. I can think of possibilities:

  • Hawthorne would come dressed in black with a scarlet “A.”
  • Meville would have a spyglass and seaman attire.
  • Samuel Johnson would come with Boswell.
  • G.K. Chesterton would be heavier, though not larger, than any other figure and never remain where you leave him overnight.
  • Lewis might come with a wardrobe.
  • Tolkien would have an ornamental waistcoat, a pipe, and short sword.
  • Walt Whitman would be the most interactive of the figures with his growing hair.

No one would buy them, of course.

Go Fish Meme II

OK, I’ll bite.

Yes, I certainly have Andrew Klavan books. In fact I think I have everything in his oeuvre, (including the Keith Peterson books) except for Hunting Down Amanda, which I’ve got to find one of these days.

Roy, do you have any books by Walter Wangerin?

Go Fish Meme

Here’s a new meme. The path, should you choose to follow it, goes like this.

1. Answer the question given when you were tagged.

2. Tag someone else with a new question.

The questions allowed for this meme are of the Go Fish variety. For example: “Hey, Phil, got any books by Rudyard Kipling?” “Yes, I do. I have a couple cheap paperbacks of The Jungle Book and Captains Courageous, and a 1940 edition of his collected verses published by Sun Dial Press.”

Having answered a question, I will ask a question, and I’ll start with what I hope to be an easy-sort-of-easy one.

Hey, Lars, got any books by Andrew Klavan?

If I Were a Church Father

You’re Origen!

You do nothing by half-measures. If you’re going to read the Bible, you want to read it in the original languages. If you’re going to teach, you’re going to reach as many souls as possible, through a proliferation of lectures and books. If you’re a guy and you’re going to fight for purity … well, you’d better hide the kitchen shears.

Find out which Church Father you are at The Way of the Fathers!

I can’t say I’m too familiar with Origen, but I know I don’t have what it takes to be a church father anyway. Like they said of Luther, he didn’t just roll out of bed to lead the Reformation; he studied and taught constantly. The closest I’ve gotten to “original languages” is Middle English.

Achievable New Year’s resolutions

As is my custom, once again I fearlessly publish my annual list of achievable New Year’s resolutions. I resolve…

…to keep my weight, whatever the cost to me, above 100 lbs.

…to refuse all offers to appear on “The View.”

…not to vacation in Burundi.

…to purchase no car that costs more than $200,000.

…not to take up Tai Chi, Feng Shui, or Kung Fu.

…not to shave my head.

…not to eat sushi.

…not to run for elective office.

…not to summon the Powers of Darkness to rain down death upon my foes.

…not to have any body part pierced.

…not to try designer drugs (only off-the-rack drugs for me).

…not to buy an iguana.

…not to paint my house purple.

…not to carve a monumental sculpture of Oscar Homolka out of Colby Jack Cheese.

…when drawn, never to look haggard. (One or the other. Not both.)

…not to bear, ‘mid snow and ice, a banner with the strange device, “Excelsior.”

…to go easy on beating the servants.

Holiday Songs Unwanted, Disliked, Hated

I love Christmas carols–perhaps you’ve noticed. But some holiday songs I can’t stand. Like the Beatles singing “Simply having a wonderful Christmastime.” What a lame song! And don’t the Beach Boys sing a song just like “The Little St. Nick.” There’s no Christmas-ness about that song at all.

I don’t want to hear “I saw Momma kissing Santa” again, and some versions of “Santa Baby” will induce me to leave a store. But those are the holiday songs I can name; more repulsive to me are songs about the Lord. I hate “I believe in Bethlehem.” It would be better named “I believe in Christmas Kitsch.” And “Jesus, What a wonderful child” is dreadfully repetitive, though I guess I should spare that one for sake of differing tastes. Southern Gospel isn’t my style.

As for the songs I love:

  • “The Christmas Waltz”
  • “The Carol of the Bells”
  • “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire”
  • “God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen”
  • “Gloria” – Vivaldi’s, Handel’s, and Charlie Peacock’s
  • “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing”
  • “O Holy Night”

I don’t need to go on. What about you? Favored songs? Disfavored songs? Songs that inspire you to throw something at a department store speaker?

Losing face

I don’t know whether to take pride in this or feel like the kid not invited to the party.

Oh heck, I guess I’ll go with Number Two. It’s what I know best.

I saw a display from on somebody’s blog the other day (if it was yours, I apologize. I just can’t remember which blog it was). They’re a genealogy site, but they have a sideline that uses face recognition software to tell people (on the basis of an uploaded picture) what famous people they resemble. They encourage you to post the result on your blog.

I thought, “That’s cool. I’ll probably be matched with somebody really embarrassing and be able to bounce a couple jokes off it.”

So I tried it today.


No matches. Not a single famous person looks at all like me.

This leaves me just where I was before with the eternal question, “Who would I choose to play me in a movie based on my life?”

I’ve agonized over this decision for years. Especially since Michael J. Pollard stopped working.

I’ll have to play me myself.

But who will play The Young Walker?

Maybe Michael J. Pollard has a kid.

Serious Fantasy Questions

Help me out with a couple questions on matters of serious fantasy. In this age of brand name appliances, Playstations, video games, hand-crafted swords, and premium roasted coffee, is it more likely that Santa Claus has become the world’s largest importer, bringing in products from Sony, Intel, Tyco, Random House, BMW, and GE for distribution around the world, or that Santa Claus has contracted with foreign manufacturers to produce “toys” for him? The latter possibility would mean Santa is the mind behind Steve Jobs of Apple Computers and Bob Eckert of Mattel. Or could it be that Santa Claus dissolved his manufacturing interests long ago and become a distribution center for the world’s toymakers, which means no toys are actually made by Santa today, not even the quaint old-fashioned ones?


Have you seen or heard or seenandheard Weird Al’s song “White & Nerdy“? It’s funny, but somehow the fact that Wikipedia has long page with, I assume, all of the details. Forgive me for repeating some of the obscene points, but for the sake of accuracy in information, I must:

When Al raps that he has “… pens in my pocket I must protect ’em”, he implies that a pocket protector is meant to protect pens, which is incorrect; it is to protect shirt pockets from ink stains.

The scene with him playing Minesweeper (a game included with the Microsoft Windows operating system dating back to version 3.1) is actually being played on a Macintosh. The logged in user is listed as “whitenerdy”. The reason that the Finder is the currently active application listed in the menu bar is because Minesweeper is running as a Dashboard widget.[14] He is shown as using a keyboard to play this normally mouse-controlled game.

How nerdy is it to blog on something so whiteandnerdy?