Category Archives: Goofing

‘The Causes of the Depression,’ with Robert Benchley

Mark Twain seems to have better staying power, but my choice for America’s greatest humorist remains Robert Benchley. He’s not much read anymore, but I cherish hopes that he’ll be rediscovered. You can also see him now and then in old movies, which nobody knows about anymore either.

The other day I shared a Great Depression song. Tonight, I’ll share one of Bob Benchley’s short subjects, “The Causes of the Depression.” Here you see him in his standard comic persona, the well-meaning regular guy with minimal situational awareness.

Those who know about his life remember primarily his membership in the legendary Algonquin Round Table group of wits. They also remember his drinking (which was serious, and interfered with his work) and his serial philandering with a string of Broadway starlets.

Oddly, according to a biography I read some years back, he originally went to New York a devout Christian and a fervent Prohibitionist. He rapidly discovered the pleasures of the flesh, however.

In spite of that, it was said of him that he never tolerated blasphemy when he and his friends were trading quips, however drunk they might be. He would make it clear that he did not appreciate that sort of thing.

Vested interest

What the fashionable young man will be winning in 2022.

Had lunch at the Country Kitchen restaurant today, as is my custom on Tuesdays. I don’t know why I allow myself to fall into these little routines. It only makes it easier for international assassins to track me down.

Anyway, I walked in and was conducted to a booth. After I sat down, I was approached by a bearded young man wearing a crucifix and a bolo tie (other things as well, of course, but those were what I noted). He complimented me on the way I was dressed, and asked if I rode a Harley. I thanked him and said no, I’ve never ridden a Harley.

(I pause briefly here to describe what I was wearing. I had on my usual outfit for when I leave the house – a collarless dress shirt under a Victorian vest with lapels. Black jeans and shoes. On my head, a classic Panama hat, like Charlie Chan wore.)

Was this young man “hitting on me” as they say? No, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t. He was, in fact, pretty obviously emotionally disturbed. Someone had taken him out for a treat, or for social mainstreaming purposes.

Still, I appreciated the compliment. In fact, I see it as a promising sign.

I think it’s fairly obvious that the world today is run by people who don’t have both oars in the water. Clearly this is true in the world of fashion. So for all I know, this young man is a major influencer in regard to men’s clothing.

I fully expect we will quickly notice that men are dressing in a Victorian style again.

And, since clothes make the man, society must rapidly turn around. Civilization will be saved from barbarism.

All thanks to me and my vest.

State of the Union

It’s well known that we’re an extremely broadminded crew here at Brandywine Books. We offer an open forum for the expression of all political views. In that spirit, we present the above preview of the next State of the Union address.

Finding Yourself: You Alone Are the Way

It’s the season for believing. The magic of Christmas is all around us, if we will believe in it. Friends, punks, readers of all ages, what we need more than anything is to believe in ourselves.

Trust yourself. Work to know yourself.

To know the you that is the real you.

Not what others tell you about you, but only what you tell yourself.

Because you are the way.

When Jesus said, “I am the way,” he was roleplaying with his disciples to show them what they should believe about themselves. Each one of us is the way, the truth, and the life. Each of us can repeat Jesus’s words for ourselves.

No one can choose your path for you. You are the way.

Look at yourself in the mirror and say, believe, speak into existence, “I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father but through me.”

No one can choose your path for you, especially not your parents, friends, experienced leaders, school people, therapists, or well-meaning uncles.

They don’t know the real you or your way. You are your own way.

You may ask why I bring up Jesus’s words if all you need to know is yourself. For those who find comfort in Christian things, wise and self-satisfied thought-and-feeling leaders, like myself, need to find ways to make Jesus’s words say what we want.

Plus, it’s Christmas. The babe of Bethlehem did not speak at the time, but the sentimentalism we feel in Christmas can inspire us to believe anything. Don’t you agree?

(Between you and me, a quick read of the gospels will show you the primary message is that you’ve got this. Jesus knew, like so many of us do today, that you are all you need to be you.)

Banish the hesitation you may have about what you are able to do, and do that thing you long to do. Believe you can, and you can.

Do you believe in Santa Claus? He will be real for you.

Do you believe in mansions? Minecraft awaits.

Do you believe you’re a fish? Man, yeah!

You brought yourself into existence by your own mighty will and now you’re the awesome fill-in-the-blank you are today.

But who am I to tell you anything? You don’t need my words. You have your own.

Your way. Your truth. Your life.

Until it’s over and you return to the dust from which you came and your words waft away like a fume of stink.

Bertie’s cat crisis

Busy, busy today — and it’s a good time to be busy, to keep one’s mind off… things. Translation, big job, deadline, you know the drill.

So, in lieu of my comforting prose, I offer a moment of Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry as Jeeves and Wooster, from way back in 1990. Bertie Wooster, it appears, has imprudently allowed himself to stumble into engagement with Honoria Glossop, daughter of the eminent lunacy expert, Sir Roderick Glossop. Bertie has invited Sir and Madame Glossop to dine in his flat. But Jeeves, in his wisdom, knows the match is unsuitable, and so finds a subtle way to put a boot up the pipe. (I have no idea what that means, but it sounds about right.)

Nobody’s ever done Jeeves and Wooster better, even though Hugh Laurie took the coward’s way out and didn’t work with a monocle.

Trick or Treat Tongue Twisters

With 600 million pounds of candy sold for Halloween, it seems we’ve given up the tricks in favor of the treats. Here are a couple tongue twister skits from Studio C to sooth your appetite for trickery.

The goal in each skit is a perfect run-through. One flub sends them back to the beginning.

Dana’s Dead (Oct. 2012)

Sam Sloan (Oct 2015)

Comedy in Midst of Coronavirus

This bit, called “The Funniest Sketch in the History of Sketch Comedy” by our friend Anthony Sacramone, is not a bit that could fly in our current day of keeping our distance and staying home to avoid infection. Happier days. Enjoy!

An Ode to Brewer’s Yeast and Its Produce

Last Tuesday was Mardi Gras; next month we’ll see St. Patrick’s Day again. In this vein, allow me to point your attention to this Irishy nerd-fest on the chemicals that make up alcoholic beverages.

The Marks of Gen-X

In years past when we spoke of “generations,” we meant a 30ish-year period of time, but in the last few decades we’ve defined each new batch of growing kids as a new generation, something closer to an 18-year period. Boomers and Millennials have gotten most of the media attention, perhaps because their conflicts have been high enough in profile. You hardly ever hear of Gen-X, the batch born in the 60s and 70s, which may leave you wondering how to handle them should you encounter them in the wild. What can you assume about a Gen-Xer? Having lived in this generation my entire life, allow me to enlighten you.

  1. We have no corporate identity. We don’t go around defining ourselves, because we never think of ourselves. We live as we are.
  2. We are the humble generation. Meekness, selflessness, quality service, and the spirit of Christmas–that’s what you’ll get from us. We excel in avoiding pride; we’re monsters of meekness.
  3. Voted most likely to be ignored. We are the people making the trains run on time while others are extending overlong meetings with questions they wouldn’t have to ask if they had been listening earlier. We’re the ones you rely on when you go to the Caymans on vacation.
  4. We hate meetings. Maybe you don’t want to send an email because you think your ideas will eventually make sense after you throw enough words at it, but they won’t and then we’ll have to have another meeting to explain what happened at the first one. Stop the madness.
  5. We have skills. We totally have the great skills girls/guys like. We are on track to be freaking awesome, except our skills aren’t good enough yet, because we’re losers.
  6. We don’t care that you hate our cargo pants, and we think it’s silly to care that much about it. I mean, we aren’t wearing parachute pants anymore, so give it a rest. (You love the flannels though; admit it, you sly dogs.)
  7. We didn’t ask for your achievement award. We’re here to earn our stripes. When did you start remembering our names, anyway?
  8. We don’t care. That’s not true; we do care. We want to make the world a better place. We want to have strong families and good jobs. But you were asking something about a team-building exercise or was it a retirement party, so, yeah.
  9. Pet rocks were better than Tamagotchi or Farmville crops.
  10. Breakdancing is better than walking it out or chicken noodle soup (!?), and moonwalking is way better than anything you kids think you’re doing in your little clubs.
  11. Some of us are still living on a prayer, and we won’t stop believin’ all night long, even though we may ask ourselves daily whether we should stay or go to Africa for Christmas.
  12. To be honest, we are the world. We are the frickin’ children.
  13. You don’t laugh at our jokes, because they’re too sophisticated for you. We are the most ironically funny generation ever; it’s hysterical just to think about the jokes we almost told.
  14. We’re raising a new generation to be just like us in all the best ways and to avoid all of your stupid mistakes.

These are just a few of the many marks of Generation X, the most selfless, kindhearted, loyal, and noble generation alive today. We don’t need your gratitude more than anyone else, so if you recognize us in the workplace or on the street, just give us a tip of the hat or a quiet smile.

Photo by psymily/Morguefile

For Black Friday, The Raven as a Christmas Tale

The English-speaking world has a long history of knocking off EAP’s “The Raven,” the poetic gift that gives evermore. Here is a list of ten examples and this book on the poem has an excerpt of several verses from a 1856 parody called “The Parrot”:

“‘Beg your pardon, sir!’ I muttered, as I rose up, hurt and sore;
But the sailor only swore.”

The comedy troupe Studio C put together this Christmas version, which I share as a warning about what you request this year.