Knitting up the ravel’d sleeve of care

Tonight I shall not sleep in my own bed. I shall sleep in a bed in a sleep center, with electrodes stuck to my skull, to see if a CPAP machine will improve what is laughingly known as my quality of life.

Knowing me as well as you do by now, you understand that I’m worried about this. I have a hard time getting to sleep most nights in my own familiar bed, even if I’m tired. How I’ll sleep in a strange bed with an electronic snood hooked up to me I can’t quite comprehend.

I figure the technicians will wait in the next room behind a two-way mirror, cracking jokes about me in low voices, a green light from the control panel illuminating their pasty complexions (sleep technicians never see the light of day, after all). One of them—the muscular broad with the shaved head and the tattoos, will keep saying, “I hate this guy. Look at him. What a lump. What a loser.”

And the other one will say, “If he’d just fall asleep, we could catch that late movie on Lifetime.”

And the M.B. will say, “This one? He’s never gonna fall asleep. He’s gonna lie there all night, like the loser he is.”

And the other one will say, “Well, we could always use the Sleep Inducer.”

And the M.B. will say, “Sure. If any moron ever deserved the Sleep Inducer, it’s this creep.”

So she sneaks into the room very quietly, holding a great big mallet behind her back, and she smashes me over the head with it like Bugs Bunny in a cartoon.

And in the morning they’ll ask me how I slept, and I’ll say, “Great. I’m really surprised. But I’ve got this awful headache.”

And the doctor will nod and say, “That’s a common side effect.”

4 thoughts on “Knitting up the ravel’d sleeve of care”

  1. Heh, I knopw I haven’t been on much lately (curse you, Google reader, for making it too easy to read blogs without commenting!) But, that really did make me laugh out loud. Hahaha… sleep inducer. That’s awesome.

  2. Very funny post Lars. (Is paranoia the key to comedy :-)On a more serious note; I’ve found that the best way to get to sleep is to listen to a sermon on cassette. I’ve rarely got past side A. without falling asleep 🙂 (To be fair, just about any kind of tape works as well.) There are (of course) problems with this method; 1. If you use earphones you’ll ruin a lot of them by rolling over and breaking the ‘connection’; and 2. you’ll probably wake up when the tape shuts off.

  3. sr – good suggestion for Lars. Years ago, I did that with much success, except I became so well conditioned, I found myself dozing off during the preacher’s sermon and had to stop. 😮 zzz’s uh oh!

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