April Fool’s Day is Christmas Day for passive-aggressives. Roy Bragg of San Antonio, Texas, says, “The main goal of April 1 should be to avoid embarrassment. Don’t say “yes” to anything tomorrow. Question anything that appears out of the ordinary. Check everything twice. If someone appears to be goofing on you, grab the nearest blunt object and hit them in the head with it.”

Methane found on distant world, “a Jupiter-sized planet known as HD 189733b.”

Insert juvenile humor here.

Happy Easter, everyone. My four year old just told what we used to call a rip-snorter.

Why did the chicken cross the road to get the ball?

He didn’t want to be a snowflake.

Mmm, does it get any better than that?

By way of Kimbooktu, I have learned the William J. Clinton Presidential Library has a representation of Cthulhu overlook the visitors. Scroll down a bit to see a couple photos of it. It’s labeled a “Chihuly Sculpture,” but [not so] seriously, doesn’t that remind you of the biggest force of evil in this universe this side of Darth Vader?

That is, another animal that has been hit by Jared Wilson. Didn’t know that, did you? Well, there are other amazing facts I’ll bet you didn’t know, generated by The Mechanical Contrivium. The inimitable Mr. Wilson points out this spectacular device, and since I want to be like him when I grow up, I plugged in my vital data and discovered these amazing things!

1. Phil Wade was first grown in America by the grandmother Maria Ann Smith, from whom his name comes.

2. You share your birthday with Phil Wade!

3. The only Englishman to become Phil Wade was Nicholas Breakspear, who was Phil Wade from 1154 to 1159.

4. Phil Wadeomancy is the art of telling the future with Phil Wade.

5. Four-fifths of the surface of Phil Wade is covered in water.

6. Antarctica is the only continent without Phil Wade.

7. 99 percent of the pumpkins sold in the US end up as Phil Wade.

8. Bees visit over three million flowers to make a single kilogram of Phil Wade.

9. Phil Wade is actually a mammal, not a fish!

10. Ninety-six percent of all candles sold are purchased by Phil Wade.

I’ve often thought there were many bees in my yard.

A relatively new company, Buy n Large, has announced a developing line of robotic partners, called Roboti-Mates. They demonstrated the “Hubby” model in New York with a woman who had lived with the robot for six months. He acts like a normal husband, she says.

Sometimes he cries at inappropriate times and bangs his head on the wall screaming, ‘Please kill me!’ But I just quickly reboot him before the kids get upset.

I don’t think this will catch on, but I’ve been wrong before. (via Arts and Faith)

Jared points to the painfully hilarious concept of Jon Arbuckle’s life without Garfield. Help us.

So this is Valentine’s Day, huh? Well, I’m not about to let anybody say I lack the proper spirit, even if I’m standing wretchedly on the outside, looking in at the revelers at the party, cold and hungry. In the snow. With the sniffles. And wet feet.

Here’s a link to Gene Edward Veith’s Cranach site—featuring a picture of the original St. Valentine’s relics. You can’t get more romantic than that.

My friend and fellow author Michael Z. Williamson sent me the following joke (can’t imagine why he thought of me):

Every Friday after work, a physicist goes down to the ice cream parlor, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl, who isn’t there, if he can buy her an ice cream cone.

The owner, who is used to the weird local university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine’s Day arrives, and the physicist makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, “I apologize for my stupid question, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool, man. Why do you persist in offering ice cream to an empty space?”

The physicist replies, “Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there.”

The owner raises his eyebrows. “Really? Interesting. But couldn’t you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a cone? Never know — she might say yes.”

The physicist laughs. “Yeah, right. How likely is THAT to happen?”

So there you go. I’ve done my part. Now go out and show your sweetie how much you care about him/her. Don’t even give a thought to me, alone in a quiet house, paying my bills like I do every other Thursday night. You have a good time. Enjoy yourselves. That’s all that’s important.

I do have a life, but this cartoon hits too close to home. I’m out.