Last month, one of the showrunners for Amazon’s The Rings of Power enthused about the series, saying it wasn’t their story but Tolkien’s. I think that’s how deeply deceived fan-fiction writers feel about their stories. This isn’t Tolkien’s story by a far cry.

I watched the remaining episodes of The Rings of Power yesterday, and all the wind has been taken out of my sails. Reading a bit from the showrunners has depressed me. Hearing from a few critics has soured me. Spoilers ahead.

I wasn’t hoping or expecting the show to become awesome in the last three episodes, but some errors hit you differently than others. You can roll with some lines of dialogue, some character motivations, and with others you can’t. Others just rattle the wheels right off your wagon and leave you on the hillside, wishing Santa would make things that last for a change.

They make up an origin story for Mithril to compel Elrond to push Duran IV to mine for it, because King Duran III believes it’s too dangerous to continue digging for it. They say a tree with the light of a silmaril is fought over by an elf and a balrog, is struck by lightning, and creates mithril by sending all the light into the rocky mountain earth. The elf king pulls out this story in episode 5 to say another tree that’s tied to the life of all elves is dying all of a sudden and if they don’t get that mithril stuff, all elves will be forced to flee to Valinor. It was a point in which the king seemed deceptive and manipulative. And the whole thing was dumb.

At the end of episode 8, they handle the creation of the elfin rings like any other TV drama. A main character, regardless of supposed skill, has to suggest the solution to the master craftsman. They hint that this craftsman is being manipulated, but please. There’s no strategy working here. It’s a line, a plot point, a touch of authenticity to say they know Tolkien’s history and are telling his story. The rings themselves look like trinkets (image via LOTR Fandom).

In episode 7, there’s a battle, and the “good” villagers give up their most defensible position for one that trained solders would have difficulty defending. And in doing so, they give the enemy the freedom to unlock an old plan that would nonsensically ignite Mt. Doom. Which is a big problem, but it doesn’t come before they mop the floor with their enemies because the elves and Númenórean men, whom Galadriel has been attempting to rally for half of the series, finally show up on the horses they brought overseas. How this cavalry knew the Southland village would be under siege at that moment is not important. What is important is that had the villagers stayed in the defensible outpost they fled to days ago, the cavalry would not have been able to charge in like they did.

A Kodak moment, I tell you.

Perhaps the biggest failure comes twice in episode 8 with two long-anticipated reveals. The first is the side story of a mystery man, who turns out to be nothing more than a diversion for devoted fans. The failure here is that he is doesn’t know who he is until he is threatened by other magical people, and suddenly, boom! He’s all there now. This plot line could have made fans more excited if it had crossed with the Southlander plot line at some point, but the most intersection it gets can be seen in the trailer when all of the characters see the man fall from the sky.

The second failure was the reveal that a man everyone but me was calling Sauron in disguise was indeed Sauron, but the failure here is in the execution. They spend several minutes dwelling on this, because their idea is that Sauron wants Galadriel to work with him. Maybe he likes that angry spark she always has. He essentially tempts her, recalling the temptation she faces in Lothlórien with Frodo and the one ring. The writers could have given him one or more really good reasons to invite her to the dark side, such as people needing a leader, needing a firm hand to keep them from self-harm, needing authority to guide them to prosperity, because without a visionary leader, people will perish. But it doesn’t get any deeper than, “Girl, I’m just really into you, like, for real.”

Many, many lines that are meant to be wise are not. Some are pathetic. “Save your pity for our enemies, for they do not know what they have begun.”

Sigh.