It’s recently been brought to my attention that some sort of political event is going on this week, someplace out west (or out east, if you live to the west of wherever it is). I’ve also heard, through my highly-placed sources, that the civic-minded citizens assembled there are promoting the idea of “Change.”
This is a good thing. Count me in. I’ve often been told that “Change is good,” and I think that can be considered an incontrovertible truth. Take a few examples that come to mind, ideas for change which (I’m certain) these farsighted individuals will immediately recognize as positive boons to the common weal.
First of all, I think we need more global warming. I’ve been promised global warming for several years now, but this has been one of the coolest summers I’ve ever seen, and last winter was positively frigid. Obviously we haven’t been doing a good enough job of promoting Change Through Global Warming.
I suggest that we should all go to junkyards and purchase old tires, and then set them on fire in our front lawns.
It would be change, and change is good.
I also want to see more species extinction. It’s nice that we’ve brought back the bald eagle, for which I’ve always had a fondness, but honestly, what good has a wolf or a bear ever done you? And don’t even talk to me about coyotes (though they do have the virtue of eating little fluffy dogs, which should also be made extinct). Put a bounty on ‘em all, I say. I’d also like to declare open season on all urban deer (fenderbendus bambii) and geese (fowlus footpathius).
And mosquitoes. We can all get behind a final solution to the mosquito question, I think. What will the purple martins eat, you ask? Let them eat geese.
It would be change, and change is good.
I propose the repeal of Women’s Suffrage. I think all responsible legal scholars agree that the original purpose of limiting the vote to men was to have one vote per household, not one vote per person. As for single women, they’re probably feminists, and therefore insane. And insane people ought to participate in public life in the traditional way, by running for office.
It would be change, and change is good.
Finally, the change I’d really like to see would be a radical reform of government. I have a dream. A dream where government shuts down every department that can’t prove its usefulness in carrying out the only two jobs a bureaucracy was meant to do—build and maintain roads, and provide for the needs of the military.
It would be change, and change is good.
Therefore, I’m sure those folks at that convention will embrace my program, just as soon as they hear about it.
Great post. May I add that invading Iran or outlawing abortion would also be change?
That’s the spirit. Viva la revolution!
I’m with you…
As it happens, I recently learned that purple martins don’t eat mosquitoes. Their preferred food, to most people’s surprise, is dragonflies.
Actually I knew that (“I knew that!” he insisted). And dragonflies actually do eat mosquitoes in large numbers. So purple martins are our enemies, and ought to be extincted too.
But I went the common perception for this post, because it was that kind of post.
I’ve always liked the smell of burning tires in the front lawn. Brings back great memories.
I called the folks at the convention, and they said “We are the change we’ve been looking for. Not you!”
Well then, we need to change that.
I suggest doing away with recycling garbage. Think of all the jobs lost when that started.
That’s right. I say, bring back old-fashioned city dumps. Think of all the recreational opportunities for our youth, not only in terms of scavenging for Neat Stuff (private initiative recycling), but also in developing the valuable life skill of rat-shooting.
In a recent survey of Lutheran Congregations asking “How many Lutherans does it take to change a light bulb?” The number one response was “???Change???.”
#2 – “My Grandfather installed that lightbulb.”
#3 – One Lutheran can change it if there are a half dozen available to comment on how much better the old light bulb was.
#4 – One Lutheran can change it if two dozen gather for a pot-luck dinner to commission the new bulb.
#5 – One Lutheran can change it after a committee designs and orders the brass plaque stating that the Larson family donated the money for the new bulb.
#6 – “Why spend the money on a new bulb. We’ll get along just fine with the light coming from the hall. A little darkness never hurt anybody.”
One Lutheran can change it after the congregation has held three regularly called meetings to discuss whether to buy the cheaper bulb, or the more expensive one which is advertised to last longer. Whichever option is finally adopted, the congregation will split.
I love change; before I read this post I was depressed, now I’m wearing a big smile :=)
Yeah, that’s change that is good.
Lars, did I hear right that the bookstore at your Lutheran Bible School now prices everything in whole dollar amounts since Lutherans can’t handle change?
So that’s the reason!
Seriously; I would recommend the book ‘The politically incorrect guide to global warming.’