Above is a facsimile of the new United States Postal Service “blank stamp,” which is set to go on sale on April 1, 2010.

“There has been considerable criticism from several quarters against the tradition of printing images on stamps, images which necessarily offend certain members of the community, since there’s no image that doesn’t offend somebody,” said a spokesperson for the USPS at a press conference in Washington D.C., earlier today. “As giving no offense has become a primary objective of government policy, we’ve decided to nip the problem in the bud. The blank postage stamp was an obvious solution.”

When asked why there are also no words or numbers on the stamp, the spokesperson answered, “In order to respect the feelings of the growing American illiterate community, the decision was made to omit all words and numbers, in order to bolster the self-esteem of that valued citizen group. If you wonder what the value of a stamp actually is, a toll-free number will be available where inquiries may be made.”

One reporter noted that, without the traditional “simulated perforation” die-cutting of previous self-adhesive postage stamps, the new stamp is actually indistinguishable from the Avery self-adhesive labels anyone can buy at an office supply store.

“There is no truth at all to the internet rumor that claims the Post Office has just bought a supply of labels from Staples, and is selling them to the public for forty-four cents a piece,” said the spokesperson. “These are genuine U.S. Post Office stamps, designed with great care by a noted conceptual artist who has asked to remain nameless, and backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. government.”

“What’s to prevent people from just sticking Avery labels on their letters?” one reporter asked.

“In order to prevent that kind of unconscionable counterfeiting,” the spokesperson answered, “we have been authorized to require every U.S. citizen to buy a supply of these stamps, whether they plan to use them or not. It’s the only way to insure fairness.”

Today would appear to be Parody Day here at Brandywine Books.

This morning I was listening to a National Guard recruitment ad, one of the kind where one character raves about how much money she’s saving on college by joining the Guard, and the other ends up saying, “I’m gonna call the recruiter today!”

And I started to wonder about the kind of recruitment ad we can expect to see a few years down the line, once our military has had its consciousness fully raised by a progressive administration…

JENNIFER: Hey, Stacey, guess what? I joined the National Guard! With the Guard’s great education benefits, I can afford to go to college, and skip that great big debt!”

STACEY: You joined that National Guard? Jennifer, don’t you know they’re a tool of American hegemony, exploiting indigenous peoples around the world, and promoting racist and corporatist national interests?

JENNIFER: Boy, are you behind the times, Stacey! That was the old National Guard! Today’s Guard encourages its members to think for themselves, and provides lots of opportunities for revolutionary action! I plan to be a communications specialist, and I’ll be using the new privacy rules to funnel military secrets to our enemies abroad! There’s even an elite Jihadist unit, where you can be taught to participate in human-caused disasters right here in our own country!

STACEY: Wow! I didn’t know that! I’m gonna call the recruiter today!

Perhaps you’ve heard that a trainer at Sea World was drowned yesterday when an orca took her off the platform and held her underwater. Dawn Brancheau was a 16-year veteran trainer. The killer whale, Tilikum, has been involved in human deaths twice before.

Authorities are reassuring the public that this is an isolated incident. There is no evidence the orca or any animals being held captive at Sea World are part of a larger terrorist organization.

A spokesperson for the Orca Labor Union in Orlando has released a statement saying that while killer whales are very intelligent and capable of planning to drown a human, Tilikum did not do that in this case.

“Unfortunately, it is part of human nature to keep wild animals in small spaces and train them to do tricks. I’m against it because I think it humiliates the animals,” said Richard Ellis, a marine conservationist at the American Museum of Natural History.

Officials at Sea World have refused to responded to our repeated inquiry into rumored plans for selling whale blubber and orca sausage in their gift stores.