My usually reliable sources inform me that tomorrow is Earth Day (now known as Earth Week, due to the inflationary effects of global warming). In my capacity as acknowledged arbiter of public morals and taste, I take seriously my responsibility to clarify some public misconceptions about this observance.
I am very old, and I remember the first Earth Day. At least I remember magazine articles and people talking about it. I have no memory of the actual observance. I was in college at the time, and I think they gave us the afternoon off. I think the students were supposed to walk around town picking up trash. But I don’t recall it (and, sadly, I can’t even offer drunkenness as an excuse). If I did pick up trash, I don’t remember. Of course, this college was in Forest City, Iowa, which means there probably wasn’t much around in the first place. I suspect I spent the afternoon hiding in my dorm room, cowering with the lights off, fearful of the dreaded knock at the door.
Which was how I generally spent my afternoons anyway.
So how should we observe Earth Day? How should we honor our dear, abusive Mommy Dearest Earth, who sends us hurricanes and earthquakes, harbors our insect and bacterial enemies, and recently threw a hissy fit in Iceland, just because we forgot to call?
First of all, keep that bicycle in the garage. Bicyclists tend to get hit by automobiles, causing unnecessary fuel expenditures for gas-guzzling ambulances and all those energy-sucking operating room lights. Also the water necessary to wash your blood off the street is a drain on the aquifer.
Also, eat a lot. Preferably fatty, salty, high-sugar foods. This lowers your lifespan, you human parasite, and nothing reduces your carbon footprint like death. Also, Mother Gaia loves burials (why do you think she keeps dropping heavy stuff like mountainsides on people? She’s a carnivore). One caution—do not be cremated. Greenhouse gases, you know. Especially after you’ve eaten a lot of fast food.
Hug a wild animal. Preferably a large one with long teeth. They need love too, and your understanding may be just the thing that gives meaning to their dull lives, living out there in the woods where’s there’s no high speed access. And no fast food delivery. Until now.
Join some religion that will force you to live in a pre-industrial age, like Wicca, Islam, or Texas Hold ‘Em. Then give away all your sinful, environment-molesting high end electronics.
I have an address where you can send it all.
