Everybody seems to be talking about the Iowa Primaries today, wondering how the cold weather will affect turnout.
This is nonsense. In general (there are exceptions) there are only two temperatures in winter, up here in the northern plains—colder than yesterday, and warmer than yesterday. Today is warmer than yesterday, so cold shouldn’t be a factor.
What, you ask, is the significance of the Iowa Caucuses?
The answer is simple—none at all. As all informed people know, nothing of any importance of any kind has ever happened in Iowa. Iowa is like a square-shaped force field that sucks significance out of everything that crosses its borders.
Full disclosure—I have Iowa roots. Both of my father’s parents were children of first-generation Norwegian immigrants who settled in Iowa, then relocated to Minnesota in the 1910s (for the sake of the children, I have no doubt). Even when I was a kid, forty or fifty years later, people still referred to us as “the Iowa folks” in my home town (I think that counts as hate speech nowadays). I also attended two colleges in Iowa, one of which I liked.
Nevertheless, the tragic fact remains that speaking of important events in Iowa is like talking about monsoons in the Sahara, or thoughtful Hollywood actors. It’s an oxymoron. Tonight’s exercises will give Iowans a short-lived feeling of being in the spotlight, and they’ve got it coming, heaven knows. But when the winners tell you they’ve got momentum, remember they’re talking about a state whose greatest claim to fame is that it’s the birthplace of Capt. James T. Kirk.
Who doesn’t even exist.
But they don’t know that in Iowa.
UPDATE: Just to let you know, I probably won’t post tomorrow evening. I have an appointment to give blood, and then there’s a Viking Age Society meeting, so my time will be tight.
Do not believe any rumors that I’ve been kidnapped by Iowan terrorists. There is no truth whatever to that rumor. And I’m being very humanely treated.
Ha! I am the reverse image of you. I was born in Minnesota and live in Iowa. Actually spent most of my formative years in Wisconsin. We used to joke about Iowa all the time. “What’s the best thing to come out of Iowa? — An empty bus!” Now I live here. God has a sense of humor.
And you shortchange us on the Capt. James T. Kirk thing. We also have fictional character Radar O’Reilly who grew up in Ottumwa. He is at least as real as that crazy little Irish priest in Erhling’s Word. (How come I can never remember that guy’s name?!?)
In any event, what happened here last night already has people jumping on the bandwagons in other states. Romney is taking a nosedive and Obama and Huckabee are riding high. Biden and Dodd have already quit. People around the country see the winners in Iowa and, being too stupid to think for themselves, vote for the guy who is now ahead. We are the only ones to get in a vote uninfluenced by elections elsewhere.
And regarding Iowa terrorists, we will tie you up in the hogbarn until the smell penetrates to your bone marrow. You will never get it out.
You can’t remember the priest’s name because it’s almost impossible to spell or pronounce. I myself am not entirely sure how to pronounce it, and I have to look it up to find out how to spell it.
But remember, I could have made him Welsh.
You mean, his name wasn’t Patty?
No. Patty’s my sister-in-law. (Where is this going?)