Rev. Andrew Damick spells out the theological dangers revealed in your coffee choices. “Your local coffeehouse may be a hotbed of heresy. Check the following list and see how yours measures up.
- Decaf is Docetic because it only appears to be coffee.
- Instant is Apollinarian because it’s had its soul removed and replaced.
- Frappuccinos are essentially a form of Monophysitism, having their coffee nature swallowed up in milkshake.
- [This one influences my wife] The Cafe Mocha (espresso + steamed milk + chocolate) is syncretic and polytheist, for it presumes to adulterate coffee with another nation’s gods.
I just asked my wife about her potential polytheism. She denied it, but confessed to straight-up hedonism.
But what about those of us who don’t drink coffee? Are we atheists?
What about those of us who partake of Turkish coffee?
(I’m sure my Arminian friends would come up with a joke about dark and bitter Calvinists.)
Great questions. You’ll notice this illustration target established Christian heresies, not counter-religions or mere doctrinal differences. So maybe, Aubrey, abstaining makes you an ascetic. Maybe Arminians would drink French Press, since they insist on contributing to their salvation.