Below find my traditional list of achievable new year’s resolutions for 2014. Disclaimer: I am a professional. Do not try this at home.
I resolve to give up twerking.
I resolve to cut my caviar expenses by at least 50%.
I resolve to eat no komodo dragon meat.
I resolve to be gracious in my forgiveness, when the Minneapolis Star and Tribune finally apologizes for failing to meet my information needs, as inevitably it must.
I resolve to help Peter Jackson fix his last Hobbit script, if asked.
I resolve not to run if nominated, and not to serve if elected.
I resolve not to let the Balrog pass.
I resolve to read no books by Dan Brown.
I resolve not to wear knee-britches.
I resolve to permit my enemies one more year of life before I defeat them, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentations of their women.
Happy New Year!
I’m shocked–shocked–that you must give up that first activity, which could only mean you have done it at least once. The horror!
Here’s hoping you have the opportunity to achieve number five.
Drat! I had your package of komodo filets wrapped & packed in dry ice and waiting to go…
Aitchmark, that’s hilarious!
But about The Hobbit script, how could the end resolve in any way readers would take as normal? Let’s take a minute to consider where this story is headed and what could happen next.
Smaug dies, but then in the middle of the War of Five Armies, he comes back.
There’s a second dragon.
Orcs invade The Lonely Mountain and the dwarves must fight them off alone, before the war ever starts.
Or everything goes according to Hoyle until after the war, then on the way home, Ringwraithes appear, Gollum causes trouble, etc.
And our friends run for their lives again and again.
I fear that Phil has predicted what happens in the last installment.
I think you would look splendid in knee britches.
What about spats?