For the thousands of our readers who no doubt are delegates coming to St. Paul for the Republican convention, let me explain The Minnesota Way:

“They pull a knife, you apologize. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his tickets to the Guthrie and a gift certificate from Cariboo Coffee. That’s the Minnesota way!”

As a Republican visitor in a famously blue state, home to Hubert Mondale and Walter Humphrey, you may be confused as to how to build good will and get along with the natives here.

The answer is, don’t bother. They will hate you whatever you do. If one of them has a heart attack in your presence and you administer CPR, they’ll file a lawsuit against you for inappropriate touching.

However, this is Minnesota, so most of them probably won’t actually assault you physically. Therefore, if you simply watch your step, look nobody in the eye and speak only when spoken to, you can probably survive your visit.

Here’s something nobody probably has told you—you don’t need to pack winter clothes. Leave the parka at home. A couple weeks from now, yeah, you’d probably need it. But just now mosquito spray and heavy duty deodorant will be more useful to you.

For maximum safety, you should probably do what the rest of us do. Try to blend in. Purchase Birkenstocks and a pair of those narrow eyeglasses. Slap a green WHAT WOULD WELLSTONE DO? bumper sticker on your rental car (you can buy them at special kiosks in the airport). At odd moments, whenever you’re among people you don’t actually know already, blurt out, as if spontaneously, “D*mn, this country used to be a great place before Bushie turned it into a vast concentration camp,” or “Oh, how I long for the moral altitude we enjoyed during the Carter administration,” or “George Clooney’s latest film was so insightful!”

Liberals will nod and be impressed with your sophistication.

Conservatives will understand.

If you suspect you’re in the presence of another conservative, employ our Secret Recognition Sign, revealed beneath the fold: Continue reading Visitor’s guide to Minnesota →

It’s recently been brought to my attention that some sort of political event is going on this week, someplace out west (or out east, if you live to the west of wherever it is). I’ve also heard, through my highly-placed sources, that the civic-minded citizens assembled there are promoting the idea of “Change.”

This is a good thing. Count me in. I’ve often been told that “Change is good,” and I think that can be considered an incontrovertible truth. Take a few examples that come to mind, ideas for change which (I’m certain) these farsighted individuals will immediately recognize as positive boons to the common weal.

First of all, I think we need more global warming. I’ve been promised global warming for several years now, but this has been one of the coolest summers I’ve ever seen, and last winter was positively frigid. Obviously we haven’t been doing a good enough job of promoting Change Through Global Warming. Continue reading Buddy, can you spare some change? →