For the thousands of our readers who no doubt are delegates coming to St. Paul for the Republican convention, let me explain The Minnesota Way:

“They pull a knife, you apologize. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his tickets to the Guthrie and a gift certificate from Cariboo Coffee. That’s the Minnesota way!”

As a Republican visitor in a famously blue state, home to Hubert Mondale and Walter Humphrey, you may be confused as to how to build good will and get along with the natives here.

The answer is, don’t bother. They will hate you whatever you do. If one of them has a heart attack in your presence and you administer CPR, they’ll file a lawsuit against you for inappropriate touching.

However, this is Minnesota, so most of them probably won’t actually assault you physically. Therefore, if you simply watch your step, look nobody in the eye and speak only when spoken to, you can probably survive your visit.

Here’s something nobody probably has told you—you don’t need to pack winter clothes. Leave the parka at home. A couple weeks from now, yeah, you’d probably need it. But just now mosquito spray and heavy duty deodorant will be more useful to you.

For maximum safety, you should probably do what the rest of us do. Try to blend in. Purchase Birkenstocks and a pair of those narrow eyeglasses. Slap a green WHAT WOULD WELLSTONE DO? bumper sticker on your rental car (you can buy them at special kiosks in the airport). At odd moments, whenever you’re among people you don’t actually know already, blurt out, as if spontaneously, “D*mn, this country used to be a great place before Bushie turned it into a vast concentration camp,” or “Oh, how I long for the moral altitude we enjoyed during the Carter administration,” or “George Clooney’s latest film was so insightful!”

Liberals will nod and be impressed with your sophistication.

Conservatives will understand.

If you suspect you’re in the presence of another conservative, employ our Secret Recognition Sign, revealed beneath the fold: Continue reading Visitor’s guide to Minnesota →

It’s recently been brought to my attention that some sort of political event is going on this week, someplace out west (or out east, if you live to the west of wherever it is). I’ve also heard, through my highly-placed sources, that the civic-minded citizens assembled there are promoting the idea of “Change.”

This is a good thing. Count me in. I’ve often been told that “Change is good,” and I think that can be considered an incontrovertible truth. Take a few examples that come to mind, ideas for change which (I’m certain) these farsighted individuals will immediately recognize as positive boons to the common weal.

First of all, I think we need more global warming. I’ve been promised global warming for several years now, but this has been one of the coolest summers I’ve ever seen, and last winter was positively frigid. Obviously we haven’t been doing a good enough job of promoting Change Through Global Warming. Continue reading Buddy, can you spare some change? →

Good news—I purchased a bottle of Old Spice aftershave today, and found they had made an almost, sort-of return to the old sailing ship bottles. I mourned the loss of the old ship art some time back, here.

Clearly my influence is greater than I suspected, because now I find we have a new package for “Old Spice Classic.” I looked at their web site, and see no sign that it’s a special edition. It seems to be the new design, and it’s a definite step backward (which is always, needless to say, a good thing).

The new aftershave bottle features the Old Spice name run vertically up the right-hand side, and there’s a teeny-weeny little silhouette of a genuine sailing ship, not the yuppie yacht that’s been inflicted on us over the last decade or more.

Actually, the new bottle is kind of ugly. It’s plastic, not glass, and the ship is a little red silhouette, not the lovely blue line drawing that used to suggest scrimshaw on the tooth-shaped bottle.

But it’s a ship, by golly. I’m gonna stock up, before they change their minds about it.

This, I believe, is a harbinger of better times ahead. Sanity is returning. Our culture is stepping back from the abyss.

I believe this because I’m stupid.

It’s a cheap joke, I suppose, but I’m still laughing.

Perhaps you are fed up with silly or at least slightly amusing news articles, but I feel compelled to share a few links to funny stories this afternoon.

1. A recent Pew poll found 48% of the roughly 1000 people surveyed are tired of hearing about Mr. Obama. A third of the Democrats polled said the same.

2. “Burgeoning jellyfish populations in coastal waters around the world is proof oceans are being impacted by global warming and overfishing, Spanish experts say.”

3. Jay Leno reportedly said, “Obama’s supporters got him his usual birthday gift of gold, frankincense and myrrh.” But maybe you’re tired of hearing about that.

4. Newspaper companies are suffering “in large measure to a marked reduction” in want ads. The Classifieds just aren’t classy anymore.

5. Tips for encouraging childhood reading (or should that be “underage reading”): “Give them books to use in their play, such as car manuals with toy cars, recipe books with a toy cooker . . .”

6. In a Knoxville, Tennessee Barnes & Noble, you can get rolled or TPed if you stand still too long.

Duff of Ace of Cakes has made The Millennium Falcon cake. The detail is incredible, and they actually served it up.

Lars referred to rumors or news–maybe articles, stories, reports, youknowwhatImean–about a new movie on Robin Hood. I’ve seen that it will be called Nottingham, but more importantly, I have uncovered a teaser trailer for this film. It looks a bit rough, but maybe it’s a viral marketing idea. Don’t worry about the name change on Robin Hood. Hollywood feels they have to come up with something original on occasion.

Sometimes, it dawns on you over a bowl of the frosted flakes that you can’t face the day. That’s why we have comics. More at garfield minus garfield.

Why does Norwegian garbage trucks drive so fastly?

The drivers are afraid of being robbed!

So, one night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Continue reading I’m Glad You Asked →

Hey, kids! It’s National Environmental Education Week. What NEEW this year? (heh, heh) We’re focusing on our carbon footprint. You know the earth is warming up, baking polar bears, and flooding the innocent people of Manhattan Beach because of your wasteful lifestyle. Shame on you. The government isn’t doing its part, so you have to do yours. And here’s a simple thing you can do to help the planet.

Don’t fart.

Did you know that the average person farts 16 times a day? That’s excess CO2, Nitrogen, and other gazes in our atmosphere. Not good. Let’s team up to fight global warming by not farting.

Think it’s impossible? Try avoiding food. Eating is a major cause in human farting, so maybe you should just eat a little less, if at all. For pete’s sake, people! We’re all going to die if we don’t do something, so help out a little.

Tags: global warming, climate change, neew, prevention