Here’s your Halloween post of horror with original reporting by me. Police across the nation are gearing up for a bizarre Halloween night this year, anticipating shooting rampaging in many neighborhoods in just about every city. No one is safe.
Blogs, Facebook pages, Twitter threads, overheard conversations, word on the street, telepathy–intelligence of every kind is leading police to conclude that thousands of parents of trick-or-treaters are planning to shoot children, neighbors, passersby, anything at any time. Deputy Mule Culwick of Huckshire Township said some parents even will have high-powered cameras capable of shooting pictures in very dim light.
Citizens are advised to avoid opening their doors tonight, especially when cute munchkins or specters of economic disaster ring the doorbell. Hurling candy at them may not be defense enough. Playing their game is out of the question. You may need to hire a ninja.
One kid: “Hey, I thought I had more candy than this?” (Ninja take from he with too much)
Two kids: “How’d we get so much candy in our bags?” (Ninja give to them with little)
Red kid: “Did we hit all the houses in this neighborhood already?” (Ninja sweep bad kids down street)
Blue kid: “Wow! I’ve got a handful of Smarties, and no one’s even opened their door to me yet!” (Ninja give candy without dangerous interaction from host. Also, Smarties official candy of Brandywine Books. Nerds also official.)