In 100 simple but silly steps

This reminds me a bit of the LifeHacks guy (if that's the right label for him) who was offered a book contract and spend the whole time designing the cover.

Our friend Rachel Motte has been documenting several facts about Evangelical Outpost founder Joe Carter. Others have joined in. Here are some:

• @DustinSteeve: John Calvin died just before he was to write his magnum opus: The Institutes of Joe Carter.
• @RachelMotte: If @joecarter888 were President, Israel and Palestine would be united by their efforts to get into his good graces.
• @RachelMotte: When Anselm proposed that-than-which-nothing-greater-can-be-thought, he was referring to Joe Carter.
• @RachelMotte:When Paris fled, trembling in #Iliad 2.36, he was overwhelmed by the impact of Joe Carter's brain waves. Also his fists.
• @RachelMotte:If @joecarter888 were President, the Presidential teleprompter would read HIM
• @RachelMotte:If @joecarter888 were President, he would fix the economy. With common household items.
• @joecarter888 once caught his own stare in the mirror. Space-time has yet to recover.
• @RachelMotte:#joecarterfacts are not copies of #chucknorrisfacts. They are the Platonic Form Chuck Norris only wishes he could partake in.
• @RachelMotte:Twitter was over capacity because Joe Carter forgot to turn the internet on this morning.
• California has not fallen into the Pacific because Joe Carter knit the San Andreas Fault together with his own hair.

Thanks, Joe. Happy Birthday.

A publishing executive trying to get ahead of the next big wave says minotaurs are the new vampires, according to this Onion News report. I'm thinking librarians are about ready for their due.

Ransom Note: Read "West Oversea" or we will break up glaciers and send polar bears to every U.S. Port!

We rnt kidding! Viking zombies will storm Boston if U dont buy West Oversea!

Buy West Oversea and other Lars Walker books or all kittys will be taken off Interweb!

You have been warned!

This is brilliant. Floyd, over at Threedonia, has turned Gen. George Patton's famous speech to the Third Army into a PowerPoint.

A PASTORAL LETTER

From Bishop Judith Hardanger-Hansen

Dearly beloved,

There has been considerable dissension in our fellowship recently, and a number of hard words have been spoken, causing much pain. I feel it my obligation to address the matter directly, exercising openmindedness and charity, both to the enlightened, Christ-like people who agree with me, and the knuckle-dragging Nazis on the other side.

From its inception, the Merry Pride movement has been like the wind of the Holy Spirit, breathing new life and new ideas into the church. Sadly, however, some people do not welcome change, and run from the challenges of a new day.

In case anyone reading this is unaware of recent history (home-schooled people, perhaps), the term “Merry” was adopted by the oppressed group formerly known as “adulterers,” employing a pun on the word “marry,” to give their lifestyle a more positive public face. They felt it intolerable to be forced to live any longer with a name that bore the weight of centuries of misunderstanding, prejudice, and oppression.Read the rest of this entry . . .

Well, that's serendipity. Phil links to a source of good book illustration, and I just found a source of bad science fiction book covers. Of which there is apparently an inexhaustible supply. Thanks to Loren Eaton of I Saw Lightning Fall for the tip.

I haven't gone through the entire inventory, so I don't know if they've included a particular cover that even its publisher admitted, in the cold light of the morning after, was probably a mistake: Read the rest of this entry . . .

As you'll note from the comments on my last post, Dr. Hunter Baker (fiend in human shape that he is) heartlessly refuses to engage in a public exchange of insults with me, appealing, apparently, to some principle of non-retaliation or something. Thus am I stymied in my ploy to try to raise interest in my books through a blog feud.

I need to find somebody to fight with. Somebody who's actually a published author, but not so venerable (like Dr. Gene Edward Veith) that my insulting him would seem impertinent. As my mama always told me, “Keep your hair combed, wear clean underwear, and always be pertinent.” Read the rest of this entry . . .

You've seen the lists before saying the BBC believes most people will have read only 6 of the 100 books listed. Here's the list you haven't seen.

1 Conceit and Chauvinism - Jane Austoon
2 The Dane of the Drinks - PBJ Tokien
3 Jan Eyrie - Charlot Blont
4 Harry, the Boy Who Grows Up to Become a Wizard and Whip an Evil Sorcerer’s Butt series - JK Rowlin
5 To Catch a Mockingbird – Larper Hee
6 The Bible: The Book That Changed the World – Many anonymous authors
7 Withering Snipes - Emily Blont
8 Nineteen Ninety Nine – The Artist Formerly Known as Georgey O.
9 His Dark Materials – Canni Getalight
10 Profound Potential – Charlie B. Dickens
11 Wee Women - Louisa McAlcott
12 Tess: A Sad Novel You Won’t Want to Read - Thomas Hardy
13 Catch 33: Prequel to Hyperbole- Joseph Heller
14 Complete Works of Francis Bacon (The Brain Behind Shakespeare)
15 Daphne Du Maurier - Rebecca Read the rest of this entry . . .

In the spirit of this award, I proudly claim the honor of Best Blog by a Heretic as voted on my the reader of The Crescat blog. That's "heretic" as defined by Roman Catholics (some of them anyway). Get the run down here. As Luther might have said on an occasion like this, "This fear or horror is sufficient in itself [when reading this blog] to constitute the pain of purgatory, since it approaches very closely to the horror of despair."

Do we aim to please? We sure do. Thank you to everyone for your wonderful outpouring of support for the unsung heroes write this blog. At the end of the day, it's all about you.

Ask not what you believe to be, but only what if. Tim Challies has a humorous list of quotes, asking us to decide whether they came from fortune cookies or Joel Osteen, the beloved author of Your Best Life Now and It's Your Time For example, where does this statement come from: "Do all you can to make your dreams come true"?

It's still April, National Poetry Month, so I am compelled by the forces of nature and nature's stewards, your neighborhood climatologists, to post a substantive poem for your cultural enrichment. What better choice could I make than an Edward Lear limerick.

There was an Old Person whose habits,
Induced him to feed upon rabbits;
When he'd eaten eighteen,
He turned perfectly green,
Upon which he relinquished those habits.

But wait! If you act now, you can get two limericks for the price of one.

There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.

When Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

My usually reliable sources inform me that tomorrow is Earth Day (now known as Earth Week, due to the inflationary effects of global warming). In my capacity as acknowledged arbiter of public morals and taste, I take seriously my responsibility to clarify some public misconceptions about this observance.

I am very old, and I remember the first Earth Day. At least I remember magazine articles and people talking about it. I have no memory of the actual observance. I was in college at the time, and I think they gave us the afternoon off. I think the students were supposed to walk around town picking up trash. But I don’t recall it (and, sadly, I can’t even offer drunkenness as an excuse). If I did pick up trash, I don’t remember. Of course, this college was in Forest City, Iowa, which means there probably wasn’t much around in the first place. I suspect I spent the afternoon hiding in my dorm room, cowering with the lights off, fearful of the dreaded knock at the door.

Which was how I generally spent my afternoons anyway.

So how should we observe Earth Day? How should we honor our dear, abusive Mommy Dearest Earth, who sends us hurricanes and earthquakes, harbors our insect and bacterial enemies, and recently threw a hissy fit in Iceland, just because we forgot to call?

First of all, keep that bicycle in the garage. Bicyclists tend to get hit by automobiles, causing unnecessary fuel expenditures for gas-guzzling ambulances and all those energy-sucking operating room lights. Also the water necessary to wash your blood off the street is a drain on the aquifer.

Also, eat a lot. Preferably fatty, salty, high-sugar foods. This lowers your lifespan, you human parasite, and nothing reduces your carbon footprint like death. Also, Mother Gaia loves burials (why do you think she keeps dropping heavy stuff like mountainsides on people? She’s a carnivore). One caution—do not be cremated. Greenhouse gases, you know. Especially after you’ve eaten a lot of fast food.

Hug a wild animal. Preferably a large one with long teeth. They need love too, and your understanding may be just the thing that gives meaning to their dull lives, living out there in the woods where’s there’s no high speed access. And no fast food delivery. Until now.

Join some religion that will force you to live in a pre-industrial age, like Wicca, Islam, or Texas Hold ‘Em. Then give away all your sinful, environment-molesting high end electronics.

I have an address where you can send it all.

Matt Scottoline gives us "Moments from famous films I would have ruined had I been the star."

From It's a Wonderful Life: "What do you want? The moon? Really? There is no possible way any person can do that. Ugh. Never mind."

Cut! (Thanks to Books, Inq.)

A friend on Facebook gave us this the other day: "Rewrite lines from famous movies as Dr. Seuss might have written them."

Here are a couple starters.

1. Play it again, Sam. Play it for me. Play it for Suzy and Fibber McGee. Play it the way that you played it before on the flute, the kazoo, and violadore.

2. Inconceivable!

You keep saying that word, but do you know
if that word will take where you want to go.

Now, what will you do with that? I'm looking at you, Book. What will you do with that?

Mike Z. Williamson, author of Better to Beg Forgiveness, and other novels, sent me this link to a tongue-in-cheek analysis of the saga roots of Star Wars.

Great fun for you saga geeks and, let's face it, who among us isn't a saga geek?

This is going around the net, if you haven't seen it already. Not only the greatest movie trailer ever made, but a short course in everything you need to know about current movie cliches. Well done, whoever did it.

If anybody should be planning to start a Mexican-Scandinavian fusion restaurant anytime soon, I have a great name to suggest, which you may use free of charge.

Olé Olson’s.

No need to thank me. I do this for the good of humanity.

Above is a facsimile of the new United States Postal Service “blank stamp,” which is set to go on sale on April 1, 2010.

“There has been considerable criticism from several quarters against the tradition of printing images on stamps, images which necessarily offend certain members of the community, since there's no image that doesn’t offend somebody,” said a spokesperson for the USPS at a press conference in Washington D.C., earlier today. “As giving no offense has become a primary objective of government policy, we’ve decided to nip the problem in the bud. The blank postage stamp was an obvious solution.”

When asked why there are also no words or numbers on the stamp, the spokesperson answered, “In order to respect the feelings of the growing American illiterate community, the decision was made to omit all words and numbers, in order to bolster the self-esteem of that valued citizen group. If you wonder what the value of a stamp actually is, a toll-free number will be available where inquiries may be made.”

One reporter noted that, without the traditional "simulated perforation" die-cutting of previous self-adhesive postage stamps, the new stamp is actually indistinguishable from the Avery self-adhesive labels anyone can buy at an office supply store.

“There is no truth at all to the internet rumor that claims the Post Office has just bought a supply of labels from Staples, and is selling them to the public for forty-four cents a piece,” said the spokesperson. “These are genuine U.S. Post Office stamps, designed with great care by a noted conceptual artist who has asked to remain nameless, and backed by the full faith and credit of the U.S. government.”

“What’s to prevent people from just sticking Avery labels on their letters?” one reporter asked.

“In order to prevent that kind of unconscionable counterfeiting,” the spokesperson answered, “we have been authorized to require every U.S. citizen to buy a supply of these stamps, whether they plan to use them or not. It’s the only way to insure fairness.”

Today would appear to be Parody Day here at Brandywine Books.

This morning I was listening to a National Guard recruitment ad, one of the kind where one character raves about how much money she's saving on college by joining the Guard, and the other ends up saying, “I'm gonna call the recruiter today!”

And I started to wonder about the kind of recruitment ad we can expect to see a few years down the line, once our military has had its consciousness fully raised by a progressive administration...

JENNIFER: Hey, Stacey, guess what? I joined the National Guard! With the Guard's great education benefits, I can afford to go to college, and skip that great big debt!”

STACEY: You joined that National Guard? Jennifer, don't you know they're a tool of American hegemony, exploiting indigenous peoples around the world, and promoting racist and corporatist national interests?

JENNIFER: Boy, are you behind the times, Stacey! That was the old National Guard! Today's Guard encourages its members to think for themselves, and provides lots of opportunities for revolutionary action! I plan to be a communications specialist, and I'll be using the new privacy rules to funnel military secrets to our enemies abroad! There's even an elite Jihadist unit, where you can be taught to participate in human-caused disasters right here in our own country!

STACEY: Wow! I didn't know that! I'm gonna call the recruiter today!

Perhaps you've heard that a trainer at Sea World was drowned yesterday when an orca took her off the platform and held her underwater. Dawn Brancheau was a 16-year veteran trainer. The killer whale, Tilikum, has been involved in human deaths twice before.

Authorities are reassuring the public that this is an isolated incident. There is no evidence the orca or any animals being held captive at Sea World are part of a larger terrorist organization.

A spokesperson for the Orca Labor Union in Orlando has released a statement saying that while killer whales are very intelligent and capable of planning to drown a human, Tilikum did not do that in this case.

"Unfortunately, it is part of human nature to keep wild animals in small spaces and train them to do tricks. I'm against it because I think it humiliates the animals," said Richard Ellis, a marine conservationist at the American Museum of Natural History.

Officials at Sea World have refused to responded to our repeated inquiry into rumored plans for selling whale blubber and orca sausage in their gift stores.

As you have seen below, we’ve been tagged for a "Creative Writer" Blogger Award. The rules are"

• Thank the person who gave this to you. (Takk (Thank you) to Loren Eaton of "I Saw Lightning Fall." Be sure your sins will find you out.)
• Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
• Link to the person who nominated you.
• Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth - or - switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.
• Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.
• Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
• Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

I'm tempted to plagiarize this, but I guess I won't.

1. My only trip out of the U.S. has been for a tryst in Argentina.
2. I used to work at the post office, but I spent my time writing instead of delivering the mail.
3. I went spelunking several years ago, slipped on the rope, and fell 30-40 feet.
4. I used to own a Prius before the radio got stuck on Air America and wouldn't turn off.
5. I currently advise the next president of the United States.
6. I can "hear" the scream of murder inside a person's heart from miles away. (You get used to it.)

Now, who else might enjoy this award?

• J.R. Caines of Books & Films
• Emily of Lost in an uncharted sea
• Phil and Bird of Thinklings
• Carrie of Reading to Know

Really, there's no need to thank me.

I’ve (we've) been tagged for a "Creative Writer" Blogger Award! Which means I get to lie shamelessly to you all and test your truth-detecting skills. The rules are ...

• Thank the person who gave this to you. (Thanks [or something] to Loren Eaton of I Saw Lightning Fall.)
• Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
• Link to the person who nominated you.
• Tell up to six outrageous lies about yourself, and at least one outrageous truth - or - switch it around and tell six outrageous truths and one outrageous lie.
• Nominate seven "Creative Writers" who might have fun coming up with outrageous lies.
• Post links to the seven blogs you nominate.
• Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know you nominated them.

1. I have the power to drive women wild with desire (but only the desire to kill me).

2. I was born a poor sharecropper's son.

3. I know how to field-strip a trebuchet.

4. The child I sponsored through Christian Children's Fund is now the murderous dictator of a small East African country.

5. One of my novels is banned in Chechnya.

6. I have a secret superhero identity, but unfortunately he can't find a job in that field, and is currently working as a greeter at Wal-Mart.

7. I'm actually perfectly normal, but this crazy act impresses the chicks.

When I was a kid in school, one of the most common criticisms I received from teachers was that I did things my own way, rather than the way I was instructed. I have not changed that policy, so I'll only tag a few bloggers with this. Loren linked more than his quota, so he can have some of mine.

1. Roy Jacobsen at Writing: Clear and Simple.

2. Patrick O'Hannigan at The Paragraph Farmer.

3. Any of the crew at Threedonia.

4. Will Duquette at The View From the Foothills.

And now, Theo, the two year old, will deliver a few words from Hamlet. Too cute.

Running late tonight. Things to do, and I'm way behind. I did my snow blowing thing when I got home. We didn't get a lot of snow, but enough so I felt guilty leaving it where it lay. And no, I wasn't just anxious to use my new toy. I was actually pretty tired, and I'd (uncharacteristically) stopped at Perkins for dinner. I had a craving for a square meal, and was pretty sure nobody'd cook me one at my place.

I saw the clip below over at Mitch Berg's Shot in the Dark blog today. He actually channeled it from another local blog, but let's not make this too complicated. The idea is that this is how English sounds to foreigners. Some Italian entertainer put this routine together using pure American-sounding gibberish. What amuses me is that I like it. It's got a good beat; you can dance to it, and it's no more incomprehensible to me than the average pop number.


(By the way, in spite of its Italian origin, this performance is suitable for work. Assuming your boss considers comic videos an appropriate use of company time.)

DIRECTED BY JAMES CAMERON

The scene is a desolate, rock-strewn mountainside. In the foreground stands a tall, thin, finger-like rock. Chained to this rock is the PRINCESS. She is dressed in a torn white gown, and sobbing softly. Behind her, in the face of the mountain, we see the mouth of a cave. A red glow is visible in the cave's darkness, as if a fire is burning there.

The camera pulls back to a wider view. Along a narrow road, a horseman, all in white armor, can be seen approaching. This is ST. GEORGE.

CLOSEUP of ST. GEORGE. His expression reveals that he has seen the princess, and a look of noble determination comes over his face. [Note to casting: Try to find an actor who isn't using Botox yet. There must be somebody.]

ST. GEORGE rides up to the rock where the PRINCESS is bound. He dismounts and approaches her.

ST. GEORGE: Don't be afraid, Princess. I am St. George, and I've come to set you free. I'll cut these chains with my sword, and we'll be away in a moment.

PRINCESS: I fear that can't be done, good sir. These chains are dragon-tempered steel. No sword can cut them. Nothing can free me but the key the dragon keeps in a casket in his cave.

ST. GEORGE: Then I shall kill the dragon. For I am pure of heart, and I bear a magic shield, forged by elves, proof against all fire.

He sets out toward the cave mouth.

PRINCESS: God bless you, good saint!

As ST. GEORGE nears the entrance, the CGI DRAGON (Voice of Morgan Freeman) appears before him. The DRAGON is huge, and strangely beautiful, with a long, graceful neck and soulful brown eyes.

DRAGON: Halt! Who dares invade the dragon's domain?

ST. GEORGE: It is I, St. George, here to slay you and free yonder innocent princess!

DRAGON: Innocent! Innocent, you say? Do you not realize how her civilization has destroyed the natural environment, cutting down forests, draining marshes, hunting animal species to oblivion? Have you not seen how the smoke of their fires fouls the atmosphere, warming the earth and causing the polar bears to drown? As a representative of a threatened species, I claim the right to reparations, in the form of a virgin or two now and then. Don't you agree? Or are you some kind of speciesist?

ST. GEORGE: You have convinced me, good dragon. I shall leave you in peace to live out your personal lifestyle in harmony with the natural order. I only ask one thing of you.

DRAGON: And what is that?

ST. GEORGE: Devour her off camera, please. We don't want to spoil the inspiring closing shot.

THE END

While opening a carton of books from Zondervan Publishing today in the bookstore, a question occurred to me:

"Who was this man Zonderv, and what were his teachings? And who are his followers, these Zondervans? What do they really believe?"

Inquiring minds want to know.

What cereal should I eat? According to this chart, which recommends Cinnamon Life or Golden Grahams as the best cereal ever, if I am not in Australia, am not Marty Mcfly, and care about the roof of my mouth; if it isn't October, I'm under 50, I don't want chocolate milk with my cereal, but I do chew on gravel, then I should pick Grape Nuts. I had Grape Nuts with my ice cream last night. Maybe I should try gravel.

First of all, to set you up for the insult, I've got this clip (I think from the same concert as last night's song), where the Divine Sissel, along with a guy named Odd Nordstoga (I'm guessing he's Swedish, but can't say for sure; no relation to Dean Koontz' Odd Thomas) do the Norwegian version of "Silent Night." For some reason, instead of mentioning the silence of the night, as the German and English versions do, the Norwegian translation just says, "Glade jul, hellige jul," which means, "Merry Christmas, holy Christmas." In any case, I think it's a very nice arrangement. The country-sounding fiddle the guy in back is playing is actually the famous, double-strung Hardanger fiddle.
Read the rest of this entry . . .

Here's a winter's blast from my childhood. This original clip comes from a retrospective (done some years ago now) about the old "Lunch with Casey" kids' show, which ran on Channel 11 here in the Twin Cities. The late Roger Awsumb (the name's right; not sure of the spelling) played Casey Jones the railroad engineer. But for this spot, he donned a union suit and lip-synched a song from one of our indigenous Scandinavian-dialect parodists. I'm pretty sure it was either Yogi Yorgeson or Stan Boreson.


You may be surprised (or not) to learn that there was some controversy about this very popular bit. A number of older people complained that underwear humor was unsuited to children's entertainment.

It was a more innocent time...

Wish YouTube had a clip of the fractured "A Night Before Christmas" from the "Axel and His Dog" show. I may post the text here this week, anyway.