Return of the Cruiser

My long automotive nightmare is over. I find it almost impossible to believe. I’d grown accustomed over the last 3 ½ months to thinking of my old PT Cruiser as a long-ago dream, like lost love or a chance to play Hamlet. But it happened at last, though not without drama. (I was sure I had a picture of my car I could post here, but it appears I don’t. Don’t want to take one now, because it’s been sitting in a lot all summer and looks kind of grungy. Imagine, if you will, a white PT Cruiser with woody panels.)

The call came just after 7:00 this morning. The lady at the auto shop said my car was done and ready to pick up. She said they’d actually gotten a call the other day from the supplier, saying we’d have to wait another two weeks, but (as usual) they didn’t know what they were talking about. The part (a shifter cable) showed up yesterday, and they’d installed it and it was working.

I drove over, submitted my credit card, and got my keys back. The bill was steep – north of $1200. I have the money, thanks to the Lord’s provision, but it would put a big dent in my bank account.

The next step was to install new license plates. They’d actually expired back in July – not merely the tabs, but the metal plates themselves. I’d brought a screwdriver, but I found the screws were corroded, and some of them wouldn’t move at all. Finally got a mechanic (a young woman, just to make it humiliating) to do the job for me.

Then I discovered that the radio didn’t work anymore. I don’t know what it is about this garage and car radios – the one in the loaner I’d been driving didn’t work either. A guy checked the fuses, said they seemed all right. He’d have to take the dashboard off and check the ground wire. Couldn’t do it right away, could I bring it back at 1:00 this afternoon?

I took the car home, then drove it back at the time appointed. This time, thankfully, it didn’t take too long. He said it was a fuse after all. The diagram in the car, he said, was wrong. I said I wasn’t in the least surprised.

I was glad to have my wheels back, but sad about the cost. And what do you know? I opened my mail today, and there was a property tax refund from the state, covering the bulk of the bill.

Proof that God lets His rain fall upon the unjust.

‘Act One,’ by Moss Hart

It is a childish game I have always played and have never been able to resist—a game of arranging life, whenever possible, in a series of scenes that make perfect first-act or third-act curtains.

Wikipedia’s biographical article on Moss Hart, author of the autobiography, Act One, includes what seems to me a very telling detail. In the book, Hart describes his relationship with his aunt Kate, an eccentric semi-delusional who fancied herself a grand dame. She shamelessly sponged off her family, dressed in an affected “fashionable” style assembled from other people’s cast-offs, and was devoted to her nephew Moss. It was she who introduced him to the theater (cheap seats, of course), and who nurtured his fascination with that world. In the book, Hart tells how Aunt Kate died, tragically, while his first produced play was in rehearsals. She never knew of it, because he’d saved it as a surprise.

In actual fact, according to Wikipedia, Aunt Kate lived on for some time, becoming increasingly eccentric. Finally she turned on her nephew, breaking in on his play rehearsals and wrecking scenery. Once she set a fire backstage.

Now that I’ve finished Act One, it seems clear why Hart “edited” this scene of his life. The whole book is a lesson in storytelling. The truth spoiled the mood of the act, so he fixed it, as a good playwright does.

Moss Hart was born into an impoverished Jewish family in New York City (not apparently a religious family – they celebrate Christmas and he speaks occasionally of his love for lobster). His immigrant grandfather had come from a prosperous English family, but broke with them and emigrated. When his profession (cigar making) fell to automation, he was left without a living, a severe humiliation. Young  Moss was the child on whom he lavished his attention. After his death, Aunt Kate took his place.

Thanks to Aunt Kate, Moss knew he wanted to be part of the theater, a ticket out of the poverty he hated, though he wasn’t sure what he’d do in the business. He tried, and abandoned, acting. Eventually he and a friend took jobs as social directors at a Jewish “summer camp,” an established cultural tradition in those days. These jobs were mostly about arranging entertainment, and Moss learned a lot, eventually becoming the best paid social director in the old “Borscht Belt.” But then he came up with an idea for his first comedy. Without his knowledge, a friend sent the play to the Broadway producer Sam Harris, who amazed him by calling him to ask if he’d mind collaborating with George S. Kaufman to bring the play up to professional standards.

George S. Kaufman was like a god to Hart. The rest of the book is a journey through the writing and production process for that single play. They “fixed it,” and tried it out in Atlantic City. The audience liked the first act, but it went downhill from there. Convinced they still have a salvageable show, the pair plunge into re-write after re-write, as out-of-town audiences continue to fail to find it funny. Then Kaufman gives up. Hart despairs. And then he has an inspiration and persuades Kaufman to give it one last re-write before the New York opening in four days. Then the big payoff.

Act One is a brilliant drama, disguised as an autobiography. I’m not sure how much to trust it in terms of facts, in light of the Aunt Kate episode, but the mechanics of storytelling are exemplified beat for beat, and they work wonderfully. Act One is a fascinating, amusing, bittersweet and ultimately triumphant personal story. It’s a masterful short course in plotting for a writer in any discipline.

Highly recommended.

On historical characters in movies

It’ll be a day or two until my next book review. I’m reading Act One, the autobiography of Moss Hart, the renowned Broadway playwright and director. It came up as a bargain e-book on Amazon, and it’s about two things I like – writing and the theater. It is an interesting book, and I’ll have much to say about it when I’ve finished reading.

The book was made into a biographical movie in 1963. I didn’t see it, of course (we rarely saw movies in our family), but I caught part of it on TV at some point over the years. My perception of the film (which got mediocre reviews) is marked by an article I saw in Parade Magazine at the time of the release. At least I’m pretty sure the article was about this movie. There’s a scene that exactly corresponds to what it described.

According to the article, when they were casting the parts of famous people who only appear briefly, they hired some of those people’s actual children to play them. I’m pretty sure a son of Robert Benchley played him in the scene where there’s a gathering in George S. Kaufman’s apartment. (Might have been Nathaniel, but I can find no mention of it online). There were others as well — I forget who. IMDb says nothing about this casting gimmick, but I like to believe I remember correctly.

There’s a formula in the movie business, I read somewhere: “When you’re casting famous real-life characters, the smaller the part, the more they must resemble the person they’re playing.”

That sounds paradoxical, but it makes sense in practice. When you’re dealing with a lead, you’ve got the whole length of the production to convince the audience that (taking an example purely at random) Kyle MacLachlan is Franklin Roosevelt. But when you bring somebody on for a minute as, oh, Humphrey Bogart, you don’t want the viewer to be diverted from following the story to ask, “Is that supposed to be Bogey?”

The movie that jumps to my mind when I consider this rule is “The Plainsman,” a 1936 film by Cecil B. DeMille, which stars Gary Cooper as Wild Bill Hickok. Except in height, Coop bears no resemblance whatever to Hickok. His nose is the wrong shape, his hair is way too short, and there’s no mustache at all (Hollywood, after World War I, adopted a long-standing tradition of erasing almost all mustaches from historical characters. Only the Hippie Era shook them off it). But Buffalo Bill Cody wears the proper long hair and imperial goatee. As does General Custer.

I’m not sure how they managed to preserve Buffalo Bill’s beard and hair style in 1944’s movie, “Buffalo Bill,” starring Joel McCrae. But they got away with it. I suppose Buffalo Bill’s appearance was so iconic they couldn’t escape it.

Note to future producers: If a movie is ever made of my life, you have my permission to cast somebody thinner and taller to play me. But you need to keep the pigtail in the older scenes.

‘Romeo’s Town,’ by James Scott Bell

I didn’t grow up here, but when you come to stay in L.A. it adopts you. It’s a wild crazy aunt of a town, dressed up in boas and bangles and laughing too loud, sometimes getting angry for no apparent reason and throwing a screaming fit, only to calm down and pull you in for a forgiving embrace even though you haven’t done anything to be forgiven for.

I genuinely love James Scott Bell’s Mike Romeo novels. As I’ve said too many times already, there aren’t a lot of Christian writers today who can write a story worthy to play with the big kids in the industry. Bell’s books are that good, and they manage to keep the language mostly PG. Mike Romeo is a particularly interesting hero, a genius, a Harvard drop-out, a martial arts expert and former cage fighter. He’s on a spiritual journey, facilitated now by his new employer, a disabled Jewish lawyer named Ira for whom he serves as investigator.

As Romeo’s Town opens, Mike rescues a clerk in a bookstore from a knife-wielding attacker, braining him with a large volume on Shakespeare by Harold Bloom. Almost predictably, it’s Mike who ends up in trouble with the law. Then he and Ira go to see a new client, a teenaged boy attending an elite private school, who has confessed to dealing drugs. His mother, who hired them, thinks the boy is covering for another student. Mike’s investigation (punctuated by frequent fights, sometimes to the death) leads him into the intersection between the social elite and the narcotics rackets. With some nasty surprises for him personally. Plus a reunion with the love of his life.

Mike Romeo is a fascinating character, and (in my opinion) author Bell does hard-boiled narration better than anybody writing today, but with a sly personal slant. Highly recommended.

Screams in the REalm of Impossibility

Collaborative games are something of a niche market in computer and board games. Perhaps it’s just easier to design a game around only one player.

In 1984, Electronic Arts released a cool, run-for-your-life game called Realm of Impossibility. Players had no weapons against hoards of zombies, orbs, and spiders. They could only drop crosses to block them temporarily and collect defensive spells to divert them for a few seconds. The main weapon they had was speed.

You can see the gameplay in this video review. About half of the dungeons have features similar to optical illusions, so beginners could run down dead ends that don’t look like it at first. That and the running like mad are two parts of the joy of this game. The third part is being able to play with someone else.

I remember playing this game with other people, yelling in mock fear of the terrors chasing us, getting separated, blocked, or killed, reviving each other, and booking it for the side of the screen.

“I’ll draw them away. You grab the thing.”

“Run, run! AHH!”

Playing by yourself was fun enough the first couple times, but it was a short game that didn’t change. It didn’t have the replayable nature of Pitfall, which seems odd given that Pitfall was just the Gen-X version of Temple Run. (Maybe it isn’t odd at all. People play Temple Run for hours.) But as a two-player game, both of you running to escape the hoards, Realm of Impossibility was great fun.

Time and turkey

Photo credit: Mark Miller, Creative Commons license, Wikimedia Commons.

I was thinking today (as one does from time to time) that, for a guy my age, I don’t feel all that bad. (Sorry, identity thieves, but I won’t tell you exactly how old I am.) I have my aches and pains, and I could bear to drop the weight of a pretty large dog, but I honestly expected to be in more pain at this age.

There are little reminders, though. I told you about losing my keys last weekend. Further along in the week, I lost them again. It was one of those dumb senior moment things – I had the keys in one hand, and something (I forget what, of course) in the other hand that I meant to throw away. What I figured out, after searching an hour for the keys, is that I’d dropped the keys in the trash basket, and put the trash… somewhere. Who knows?

I told myself I hadn’t had much sleep the night before. Yeah, that’s the reason.

Another reminder of a different kind came this past Saturday. I’d had a visitation of a vivid memory of a meal I used to order, about 45 years ago, at a restaurant in a St. Paul suburb that shall remain nameless. I wondered if the place still existed, Duck Duck Go’d the name, and what do you know? It’s still there (later intelligence informs me the place has been in business since 1969. The only other place I used to eat at back then that still exists is Perkins). I checked the menu, and my beloved Turkey Dinner was still on it. So I arranged with a friend to go eat there.

Maudlin back story: I’m not entirely sure how I and my then roommate started eating at this particular Chinese restaurant. (I won’t give you the name; this story might reflect badly on them, and I’m pretty sure that would be unfair.) I have an idea we went with The Girls Next Door: the four very pretty, Christian co-eds who rented apartments in the next house over. It was the nicest situation I’ve ever been in, girl-wise, until I made the mistake of falling in love with one of them.

This particular girl, who shall also remain nameless, had grown up in what we used to call the Orient. So I suspect going there was originally her idea. I wasn’t into Chinese food yet, back then. But I was into her. However, when we got there (Sunday lunch; you must imagine me in my brown tweed church suit), we discovered they had a small American menu. I ordered the turkey dinner, as did my roommate. It was really delicious, like mother used to make. As long as we still lived in the Cities, even after the Girls Next Door had scattered like so many golden birds, we’d go there for the turkey dinner.

So, 45 years later, I went back. I ordered the turkey dinner.

It didn’t taste at all as I remembered it.

I am not so arrogant as to think the cooking had deteriorated. I’m pretty sure I have a more sophisticated palate now. I’ve had better turkey dinners and gotten used to them. Perkins is very good. Boston Market, which is no longer around here, was excellent.

I’m not sure if I’m better off knowing that my memories misled me. Maybe I’d be happier just remembering an idealized meal.

Come to think of it, maybe I’m happier imagining an idealized Girl Next Door, too.

Simple War Games and How I Was Accused of Cheating

I mentioned before that one of my high school friends enjoyed realistic war games like Avalon Hill’s Tobruk and Squad Leader. Those are games with many numbers and complicated mechanics for building defense and attack strength. At least, they were complicated enough for me–a guy who tends to send one tank or team out to shoot up the enemy and takes too long to realize it’s a pretty dumb move.

That’s many steps away from games like Risk that just ask you to roll the dice to see how many enemies you kill. Risk limits your strategy options to piling up troops in Indonesia or North Africa to bottleneck incoming attacks. Squad Leader, according to BoardGameGeek, “utilizes programmed instruction to guide you through 12 scenarios of increasing realism and complexity. The scenarios run the gamut from street fighting in Stalingrad to armored advances across snow covered roads in the Ardennes.”

It’s not so much a game as it is “a game system which can be used to portray any WWII infantry action.” Measure the fun accordingly.

An advantage to board games, regardless the complexity, is the analog natural of the mechanics. You have a paper rulebook and cardboard pieces with numbers. There’s no programming to open the door to someone accusing you of fiddled with it to win, which is what happened to me while playing Lords of Conquest as a teenager on my Commodore 128.

Lords of Conquest was fairly simple. It allowed you to choose one of several world maps or create one of your own. You took turns selecting your territory or have the computer do it for you. Then you moved troops, controlled resources, and other things I no longer remember. The main thing I remember is the risk factor.

You could play with one of three levels of risk.

  1. Low: An attacker with equal force to the defender will always win.
  2. Medium: An attacker with greater force than the defender will always win. Maybe equal force would result in a draw without damage to either side.
  3. High: All attacks were based on percentages. An attacker with equal force to the defender would have a 50 percent chance of winning.

Playing with high risk was the only fun way to play, and it helped me understand simple odds. If I had a 40 percent chance of winning without any risk of losing my own forces, then I might as well attack on my turn and see what comes of it. My smaller or equal forces conquered larger ones many times. That’s how I won and earned accusations of cheating via programming. I was simply willing to take the chance of winning. If losing an attack meant losing my own territory, it would have been different, though maybe you could draw an enemy power into a vulnerable position with a feinted loss.

People don’t understand simple odds like this. They think if a die rolled three, two, and three, then I must turn up five or six next. But each side as a 1/6 chance of being rolled. Sure, it’s unusual for the same number to be rolled four times, but each roll has the same odds. And in a game that only rewards you for getting the right number, there’s nothing to lose.

World Radio Live and Free North Korea Radio

If any of our readers live in the Twin Cities area, you may be interested in a live event coming September 30 to Free Lutheran Bible College & Seminary in Plymouth, Minnesota. Key voices heard on The World and Everything in It podcast will be there, and we’ve boosted that excellent show a few times on this very blog. Seating is limited, so register ahead of time.

Today, The World and Everything in It has released the first of a two-part program on Free North Korea Radio, which has broadcast into the Hermit Kingdom for several years. Read some of the story in this piece, “The Campaign Against Kim.

In today’s program, they tell of humanitarian supply trucks going into North Korea and government troops following up afterward to collect everything that was given out. Children came to understand that they shouldn’t eat the cookie given to them because one of Kim Jong Un’s agents would be along to take it away.

‘The Causes of the Depression,’ with Robert Benchley

Mark Twain seems to have better staying power, but my choice for America’s greatest humorist remains Robert Benchley. He’s not much read anymore, but I cherish hopes that he’ll be rediscovered. You can also see him now and then in old movies, which nobody knows about anymore either.

The other day I shared a Great Depression song. Tonight, I’ll share one of Bob Benchley’s short subjects, “The Causes of the Depression.” Here you see him in his standard comic persona, the well-meaning regular guy with minimal situational awareness.

Those who know about his life remember primarily his membership in the legendary Algonquin Round Table group of wits. They also remember his drinking (which was serious, and interfered with his work) and his serial philandering with a string of Broadway starlets.

Oddly, according to a biography I read some years back, he originally went to New York a devout Christian and a fervent Prohibitionist. He rapidly discovered the pleasures of the flesh, however.

In spite of that, it was said of him that he never tolerated blasphemy when he and his friends were trading quips, however drunk they might be. He would make it clear that he did not appreciate that sort of thing.

‘Three Little Pigs,’ by Alex Smith

I’ve been following Alex Smith’s exciting Robbie Kett thriller series. Book Three, Three Little Pigs, rounds out a narrative cycle in the series.

My review of the first book was, in retrospect, conspicuously lacking in perception. I described the book as psychologically extreme, rather than physically extreme. The second book proved me wrong, in spades, and Three Little Pigs takes it even further. Hero DCI Kett doesn’t actually pull needles out of his arm and stagger out of an ICU unit (as so many thriller heroes are wont to do), but that’s about the only extreme he doesn’t go to in this excruciatingly suspenseful story.

As you may recall, Robbie Kett is a London Metropolitan police detective who was dispatched to the more bucolic city of Norwich after his wife Billie was forcibly abducted and disappeared without a trace, five months back. Robbie had been obsessing over the investigation, and his superiors thought it would be best to get him away and let cooler heads look for her. However, he’s seen plenty of action in Norwich – he’s still healing up from wounds he sustained two books ago, not to mention the ones from the second book.

Then a call comes from London. A woman has been found in a weird, abandoned house that seems to have been set up for cult practices. She’s still in shock in the hospital and not talking, but it looks as if they have a real lead now. Robbie is back in London like a shot. His orders are clear – he can observe, but isn’t to interfere with the investigators. As if that’s going to happen.

As Robbie plunges into things, he’s surprised to find clues where no one has before. Granted, he goes to extremes nobody else will, but it almost looks as if the others weren’t really trying. As he functions as a loose cannon in the investigation, earning repeated reprimands and finally house arrest, he begins to dimly glimpse how big the forces involved here are, and to realize there’s nobody he can trust. Nobody at all.

This book nearly killed me as a reader. The stakes started high and kept rising. What looked like a major resolution toward the end turned out to be only the start of new horrors. Three Little Pigs is a page-turner, without a doubt. As is common in such stories, a certain lack of plot logic hardly counts.

Recommended, if you can handle the tension. Cautions for language and serious perversity.